Grand Pockets’s Blog

Genealogy, Family, Poetry and Peeves

What the Hell is Wrong with you?


Well, after my last post I sat down to eat, felt uncomfortably full and retired to bed.  I awoke feeling like a boa constrictor had wrapped around my chest, got out of bed, took a half dozen steps and collapsed.  Another damn heart attack. So I’ve been stinted again, and I’m home, exhausted, sore and very glad to have how many days I’m given to love my family and appreciate life.

You know, I considered, while laying there in that clackety-clack hospital bed, (the new-fangled kind that shifts under you automatically, supposedly to prevent bed sores but gives a really creepy feeling if you’re cognizant and able to move yourself) why I really love genealogy so much when it’s those darn genetics that are a huge part of my health problems. Dratted ancestors. Did they all have to have peanut butter pipes for arteries?

Okay, truthfully, I have to lay more blame on my own choice of lifestyles, since I smoked from the age of 18 on. And being naturally thin and lanky, I never really worried about what I ate, gobbling buffet lines of fried foods, eggs, butter, cakes, pies, pizzas and pastas without considering what all that fat and cholesterol might be doing to my heart plumbing even if it wasn’t fattening me up. I enjoyed every damn delicious bite, too, so hold the sympathy. I’ve loved the hell outta life and I ain’t done yet, Jack.

All this means is that I am living a new kind of life now, and its one I intend to enjoy just as much – as soon as I can adapt to the taste of skim milk and egg beaters. They say its kind of an acquired taste – foods with no fats, I mean; and once used to “no fat” the old fat-filled foods taste bad. I hope to hell it happens soon, though because the “no fat” varieties of ice cream, for instance taste like crap. Soy meat tastes like crap. Skim milk tastes like whitened water.  Someone said to me, try tofu, it tastes good and its great for you. I tried it and spat it out. I wanna ask my friend “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Food, of course, is an acquired taste for all of us. Cultural and personal choices made from early years on tend to accumulate in our brains as tastes we love and crave. My grandkids for instance think raw rolled oats cooked the old fashioned way tastes like crap. They want instant stuff with articial flavoring. Personally I think that stuff tastes like sweetened shredded cardboard.

Same with hamburgers – my grandkids want hamburgers from McDonald’s. When I grill a nice juicy thick hamburger they complain it doesn’t taste like McDee’s. “What the hell’s wrong with you?” I wanna ask.

It’s not just tastebuds that you have to fight if you truly want a healthier diet – its the pocketbook, too. Why is it that foods made with loads of artificial chemicals and a lot of energy intensive processing cost half as much as foods with no artificial chemicals, and far less processing? I’d  like to get the heads of some big companies like Con Agra, and Sara Lee, and General Mills together and ask them “What is the hell is wrong with you?” Put the good foods and the bad on equal financial footing and hey- it’s all on you brother. Eat stupid and suffer the consequences. If you can afford the good food and eat the bad anyway I go back to my key phrase “What the hell is wrong with you?” (By the way – I put myself in this category). I wonder, though about young families with children who are struggling with every dime they make, and elderly or disabled on fixed incomes.

All this talk about food has me starving. I’m thinking of phoning in a Pizza Hut Supreme and having a dish of Rocky Road for dessert. After all that hospital blandola I’m due, right?

“What the hell is wrong with you?!”

grandpockets2

January 27, 2009 Posted by | family, sarcastic humor | , , | Leave a comment

Curmudgeon Me


I need to bitch more often. More people read the blog. Does that say something about human nature? I know it does to me and I mean me, myself. Heartwarming stories are chicken soup for the soul but who the hell eats chicken soup all the time? Give me some good red meat “got-that-off -my-chest” beefing for the main course.

There are few things nice about getting older. People that extol the virtues of age are god-damn liars. One of the few things that is neat , though, about wrinkling up and playing raisin is the allowance made for being a crabass, even give it a cuter sounding name – curmudgeon. Its a natural fact about aging – you ache more and thus bitch more. Plus more time to store up gripes, think about ’em and refine bitching technique. It cracks me up when I hear wisdom and age correlated as if age is somehow connected to wisdom. All you have to do to be considered wise it seems is muck things up for fifty or so years and then emerge from the mess still alive and and – curmudgeonly – to have people begin calling you some kind of sage.  That’s not wisdom. That’s being stupid enough to make most of the mistakes available in life’s vast array of choices, and lucky enough to live through it all.

Age has meant humility for me, though. Realizing exactly how many times you probably made the wrong choice and accepting it as your life. Proud humble, though. Damnit, I wouldn’t change many things. One or two, maybe, but part and parcel I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my ride so far and I plan to grow even more curmudgeonly and called a dirty old man at least a few times before I’m done.  It’s the least I can do since its expected of me.

grandpockets1

January 11, 2009 Posted by | family, humor, sarcastic humor | , , , | 1 Comment

Getting Rich Quick


beach

Yeah, yeah…already today I got seven of these stupid schemes in my e-mail. I don’t need, money, knowledge, credit or sweat to get rich quick! All I need to do is send in my measly twenty bucks, or $40 or $299 (available in three equal installments) or join the exclusive  “Library of Get Rich Quick Knowledge” for just $19.95 a month, automatically billed and I get to pick the minds of today’s interent billionaires, all of whom belong to said club! They have all the tools available – auto responders so I can junk up mailboxes just like they do, a growing library of “all rights” titles that I can re-sell easily from my armchair – in my undies, no less – with just a few finger pecks each morning. Then just sit back and let my affiliate commissions roll in! They’ll provide day by day email campaigns, a whole series of sleazy take-your-money come ons written by the TOP copywriters in America today! They’ll even provide (for $9.95 extra a month) web hosting, the web site, a store full of goodies, a how to of junk mail law circumvention, and if I reply NOW they’ll even toss in a slew of freebies worth $4000 were I to buy them seperately! WOW! This is even better than those eBay and e-Store infomercials clogging my nighttime cable viewing. I know these guys are telling the truth, too, because they included pictures of themselves sitting on a tropical beach sipping pina coladas with their laptops on their lap (naturally) obviously engrossed in raking in their fortunes, while buxom bikini clad babes cavort around them. You can even see their mansion high on the hill the background and the Maserati that they drove to the beach!  No Credit! No Experience! No Knowledge! No Sweat! All you need is that $20 bucks a month or whatever, plus delusions of a “free lunch”, a huge dose of naivete, and absolutely no integrity or sense of honesty and these ‘gurus’ will help you rip other dummies off just like they did to you!

January 4, 2009 Posted by | sarcastic humor | , , | Leave a comment